


all roads since you are wrong directions (i'll never get home)

by 3broomsticks



Category: Fifth Harmony (Band)
Genre: F/F, i specialize in angsty camren fanfics with unnecessary quoting of Siken and car/traffic metaphors, xoxo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-16
Updated: 2016-06-16
Packaged: 2018-07-15 11:23:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7220386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/3broomsticks/pseuds/3broomsticks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Camila learns the hard way that green doesn't always mean go.</p>
            </blockquote>





	all roads since you are wrong directions (i'll never get home)

1.

 

The first time Camila tries to kiss someone, she knows she should stop. She is fully aware that this is a really bad idea. 

 

Even as she leans in and reaches up to cup Lauren's face, she knows she should not be doing this. 

 

The soft bumping of their noses tells Camila its too late now. Lauren's breath hitches on Camila's bottom lip and Camila's heart pounds in her ears, because holy fucking shit she is so close to Lauren's mouth. 

 

One last gulp and Camila, after mentally sighing,  _oh for fuck's sake, just do it, you've come this far_ , tilts her head and presses her mouth to Lauren's lips. Then immediately jerks back like she's been electrocuted.

 

Camila feels it before she hears it. _She doesn't like girls._  "I don't like girls." Lauren says. 

 

Her eyes are still so close and all Camila can think of is that poem by Richard Siken:  _dried leaves on the surface of a pool, you could drown in those eyes, green eyes flecked with yellow_. 

 

Camila's heart slams on the brake. 

 

"Okay." Camila says.

 

Lauren dry swallows, stepping away, reaching out to tap Camila on the shoulder. "Okay." She says. 

 

(The screeching of tires in Camila's ears nearly drowns her voice out completely.)

 

(The next day when Lauren cries after saying goodbye to Keaton and kisses him with the same mouth Camila kissed, hands in his hair, Camila can't feel anything but the lurching of her stomach as everything inside her halts to a stop.)

 

 

2.

 

The second time Camila tries to kiss someone, she's successful. It's still not a good idea but it's an idea that works, and really, that's all Camila needs.

 

Maybe it's the fact that Austin Mahone would love the chance to kiss any girl that makes it work, but hey, Camila wants to believe that he is actually a pretty nice guy. 

 

He  _does_  compliment the pink skirt Normani helped pick out for their date (is it a date? Camila can't tell) and he's already smiled at her, like, two dozen times since he picked her up for lunch at Subway.

 

So Camila kisses him at the door of the tour bus when he drops her back off and he tastes like spicy Italian sandwich and boy. 

 

Which, honestly, isn't all that favorable. And okay, she does prefer the quick fluttery feeling of Lauren's lips, but whatever. 

 

He kisses her back and calls her beautiful before waving goodbye and walking away with a grin on his face. And that, in Camila's book, is a job well done.

 

She's climbing inside the bus (with steady knees and a numb heart because she's like 86% sure at this point in her life that she doesn't like boys  _in that way_ ) when Lauren comes sweeping out of the bathroom and stops in her tracks when she sees Camila.

 

And. Yikes.

 

"Hi?" Camila says, voice  _totally_  not cracking, looking at Lauren but not really looking, because she's pretty sure her bra strap is slipping and her pink lipstick is smudged and she suddenly feels the sticky feeling of shame all over her body.

 

"Hey." Lauren says, quiet, still. Her hands hang casually by her side, and Camila totally does not imagine them having been on her hips instead of Austin's. "How was lunch?"

 

  
_Lunch_. Not  _date_. 

 

Okay.

 

"Okay." Comes Camila's voice, strained and awkward. 

 

"It was just 'okay'?" Lauren asks, green eyes shining bright in the light filtering through the blinds. 

 

Camila swallows. "Just okay." She says, turning the bracelet on her wrist over and over.

 

Lauren notices. Pretends not to. "He kissed you." She says.

 

"He did." Camila says. The statement is too Lauren-y for her to be surprised. 

 

"You didn't like it." Lauren states. Now, this,  _this_  rubs Camila the wrong way. Her eyes snap up and narrow. 

 

"I didn't say that." Her voice does not,  _completely_  does not shake. 

 

Lauren looks her up and down in a way that makes her feel dirty. "I'm not blind or dumb, Camz. I can recognize the aftershock of a kiss. Especially when it's not wanted."

 

Camila feels it before she understands it: the pinch of her heart, the twist of her gut.  _Especially when it's not wanted._  


 

Camila nods, slowly. "Okay." She says. "You're right. I didn't like it."  _I liked kissing you more_ , Camila wants to say.  _Do you want me to tell you I'd rather it be you?_  


Lauren's face is blank. She doesn't say anything.

 

Camila walks right past her and locks herself in the back room of the bus the whole night.

 

(Three months later Camila finds Lauren kissing a girl in the same back room. Her gasp shocks them both and they leap away from each other, skin as burning red as traffic lights. Camila's heart stops beating in her chest.)

 

(She comes back to the bus the next night with Austin's aftershock bitten into the skin of her neck. When they're brushing their teeth at the sink and Lauren sees the hickey and mumbles, "I thought you didn't like the kiss," Camila spits out her toothpaste angrily and snaps "I thought you didn't like girls," and storms out of the bathroom.)

 

 

3.

 

The third time Camila tries to kiss someone, it's not intentional. 

 

She's found herself locked in a maintenance closet with Jacob and his guitar, and she's doubled over laughing at the stupidity of it when Jacob puts his hand on her back and slides it down.  _Way_  down.

 

Camila straightens up immediately and Jacob drops his hand but he's looking down at her with this strange shine in his eyes. 

 

She thinks for a second that in this dim light she can kind of pretend like those eyes are green, not brown (even though she knows if they were really Lauren's they would be much brighter) so Camila does.

 

She stands up on tippy toe and pushes her fingers up the nape of Jacob's neck and kisses him right on the mouth. 

 

Immediately it's wrong. It's like blue on a traffic light, and Camila fumbles in the dark, breath stuttering, not sure what to do.

 

But Jacob takes control with a smile pressed against her mouth, wrapping his hands around her waist and pulling her close. 

 

Camila is thinking about how he's a really bad kisser, even in comparison to Austin, (and, of course, in comparison to Lauren, but for fuck's sake, she's so tired of thinking about Lauren every time she kisses someone) when the door swings open and they're doused in hallway light.

 

She pulls away with a gasp, feeling her skin flush. 

 

Camila's desperately wishing she could throw herself into reverse and undo the last thirty seconds of her life when she sees a familiar shade of green and her heart leaps into her throat.

 

"Lauren," she croaks, not able to acknowledge the janitor beside her holding a ring of keys and smirking.

 

"Thought I'd find you here." Lauren says, eyes flitting everywhere but her. She nods at Jacob and turns on her heel to walk away. 

 

Jacob snickers a little beside Camila, wiggles his eyebrows at the janitor and moves to rest his hand on her hip. 

 

Camila can't find it in her to move.

 

(Later that night Lauren slips Camila a whole sheet of paper, under the table at dinner, folded into tiny squares. Camila unfolds it once back in her bunk, burrowed under the covers, and finds the one square with words written on it. Her heart falters a bit when she reads Lauren's scrawl:  _waiting for the day you look like you want that aftershock._ )

 

(Camila thinks:  _no one can ever figure out what you want, and you won't tell them, and you realize the one person in the world who loves you isn't the one you thought it would be._  She wonders if she should write the quote on the square next to Lauren's and give it back to her, but instead decides to tear the paper into little shreds and leave them in Lauren's favorite mug. From that morning on Lauren starts drinking coffee out of a different cup.)

 

 

4.

 

The fourth time Camila tries to kiss someone, she's drunk. Like, off her ass drunk. 

 

It's someone on the crew's birthday and Dinah found alcohol somewhere (who can remember the details) and after, like, five shots of the mystery liquor, Camila is giggly and weepy and wanting almost madly to see Lauren.

 

She tells this to Dinah in her weird slurred speech but Dinah just laughs drunkenly and curls up on the back room floor like she's going to sleep. Normani and Ally are already asleep on the u-shaped couch, and Camila decides to find Lauren herself.

 

She starts by trying to stand up and walk but when the walls swoop in on her and the floor dips, she gets back down on her hands and knees and crawls.  _I'm the lead role of a rom-com_ , Camila thinks.  _Ridiculously drunk and desperate for the love of my life._  


Then:  _Wait, what._  


 

Camila stops midway through the kitchen and just about shits a brick right then. Her head swims and all she can think is,  _did I really just call Lauren the love of my life_.

 

She sits back on her knees, wipes her palms on her jeans.  _Fuck_ , she thinks.  _Fuck._ She's just about to crawl back to her girls and curl up in Dinah's lap and pretend she never did any of this when the bus door opens and in slinks Lauren. 

  
_Triple fuck_ , Camila thinks.

 

For a moment Lauren doesn't notice her, sitting small and embarrassed on the floor, and hums under her breath, fumbling with something Camila can't see in her hands. Then Lauren looks up and nearly jumps out of her skin when she sees her.

 

"Fuck, Camz!" She gasps, dropping her phone on the floor. "You scared me!"

 

Camila just blinks. 

 

Lauren studies at her, gears turning behind her bright eyes. "You're drunk." She says.

 

Camila wants to say,  _My drunk brain just told me that you're the love of my life_ but she thinks she'd rather live the rest of her life in denial than as Lauren's sworn enemy.

 

Lauren frowns at Camila's silence. "Do you need help getting to bed?" She asks softly, leaving her phone on the floor to move towards Camila, extending her hands.

 

She doesn't grab them.

 

Lauren peers into her face, worried. "Camz, talk to me." She says.

 

"I want to know what good aftershock feels like." Camila blurts, her voice like a child's. 

 

Something in Lauren's eyes flash. "You're drunk." She repeats, measuredly, curling and uncurling her hands, silently telling Camila  _grab onto me._  


 

"I am," Camila agrees, entwining her fingers with Lauren's, letting Lauren pull her up, "but that doesn't mean I want to kiss you any less."

 

Lauren stops cold at that. Her eyes go wide, centimeters from Camila's own, breath fanning over Camila's face. She swallows. Camila thinks she's opening her mouth to say something and she's so afraid and tired of the green of Lauren's eyes not meaning  _go_  that she leans in and kisses her.

 

In hindsight, she probably should have just let Lauren speak.

 

Because Lauren lets her kiss her. 

 

She doesn't reciprocate, she just sort of stands there and allows it to happen, allows Camila to touch her hips and her hair and her face and mouth drunkenly at her lips. 

 

And that's worse. That's so much worse than anything Lauren could have said.

 

Camila doesn't stop for a long time because even though this is the worst kiss she's ever had in her life (forget Austin and his excessive use of tongue and Jacob's sloppiness, she'd take that any day) she is desperately holding out for the moment Lauren moves with her.

 

Except the only movement Lauren makes is to pull back. Camila's eyes open wide and for a minute nothing makes sense, because why are her eyes so fuzzy, why does Lauren look so worried, why can't she hear a word Lauren is saying, and then she realizes,  _fuck, I'm crying_.

 

"Jesus Christ, Camz." Lauren says. Her hands on her shoulders, steadying her, trying to look her in the eye. Camila feels sick. She wants to kiss her again. She's so fucking tired of wanting to kiss her again.

 

Camila just shrugs Lauren's hands off her shoulders and stumbles back into her bunk. The sound of Lauren calling her name fades away.

 

(That night in Camila's sleep she dreams of that one poem:  _You do this, you do. You take the things you love and tear them apart or you pin them down with your body and pretend they're yours. So, you kiss her, and she doesn't move, she doesn't pull away, and you keep on kissing her. And she hasn't moved, she's frozen, and you've kissed her, and she'll never forgive you, and maybe now she'll leave you alone_.)

 

(The next morning Camila wakes up with her brain throbbing like it's been split in half with an axe. She stumbles out to the breakfast table and reaches into the cabinet to get her cereal bowl, and when she's about to pour in a mountain of Cherrios, suddenly there's a pile of little shreds of paper sitting there, covered in mangled swirls of Lauren's handwriting. It looks almost as rejected as Camila feels. She sits on the floor and tries really hard not to cry, focusing on the red carpet and telling herself that it's time to stop.)

 

 

5.

 

The fifth time Camila tries to kiss someone, she fails. Fantastically. Almost as fantastically as the first time.

 

It happens because with Shawn, things are easy. Laughing is easy. Smiling is easy. Being happy is easy. Everything is smooth and light and good, so different from what Camila knows. 

 

So, long story short, she wants to forget the fact that she's in love with her bandmate and decides that Shawn would be the perfect person to try to do that with.

 

Camila tells herself it's going to be easy. Everything with Shawn is easy. She's nervous (not because she likes him, because she doesn't, not like that, which she feels a little guilty about, but whatever) and she's working up the nerve to lean over the guitar strapped on his chest and kiss him when he looks up at her.

 

"You okay?" Shawn asks, fingers slowing on the strings, eyebrows drawn together in concern.  _His eyes are green_ , Camila thinks.  _Just imagine they're green and fucking kiss him._  


 

Camila leans in a little closer, pretending desperately that she can see the green in Shawn's eyes. She licks her lips, remembers the drunk night with Lauren, takes a shaky breath.

 

"Camila?" Shawn asks, confused and a little bewildered as Camila lays her hands on his shoulders and keeps moving closer and closer. "Hey," he says, scooting away. " _Camila_."

 

Camila closes her eyes.  _Just do it._ She's leaning in just enough to brush her lips against his when Shawn says, panicked, "I'm pretty sure I'm gay!"

Camila's eyes snap open, stunned into paralyzation. "Huh?" She says, brain in a tizzy.

 

"I'm pretty sure I'm gay," Shawn repeats, slowly, looking at Camila close in the face. "Sorry?"

 

Camila lets out a huff.  _Oh_ , she thinks.  _Well, fuck._  "No, no, don't apologize," Camila laughs breathily, pinching the bridge of her nose and backing up. "I'm--I'm pretty sure I am too, honestly."

 

Shawn raises his eyebrows at that. "Is that what that was?" He asks, eyebrows still drawn together. "Like, figuring stuff out?"

 

"No," Camila answers, cheeks pink. "I think I had it figured out for a while now."

 

"Oh," Shawn says. Confusion still lines his face.

 

"I'm trying to get over someone?" Camila explains, statement lilting into a question because is she really? Who the fuck knows.

 

Shawn opens his mouth then closes it, once, twice, three times. Then he sort of grimaces and says, "Can I assume something?"

 

Camila braces herself. "Shoot."

 

"It's Lauren."

 

And, well, fuck again. Because nothing could have really steeled Camila for that.

 

"Yeah." She says, trying not to cry. She looks down at the yellow laces of her converse and starts to slow her breathing. "Yeah, it's Lauren."

 

Shawn gets up, takes off the guitar, and hugs her. It's easy.

 

(Camila goes back to the studio that night to work on some last minute preparations for the album. She bumps into Lauren in the hallway and she offers her a ride home. When she reaches out to hug Camila goodbye in front of her apartment, her tongue ties itself in knots and she can't even thank her properly.)

 

(That night back in her own bed, Camila can't sleep, so she reads until three o'clock in the morning and passes out with her finger hovering over the lines:  _You're in a car with a beautiful girl, and you're trying not to tell her you love her, and you're trying to choke down the feeling, and you're trembling, but she reaches over and she touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you've discovered something you don't even have a name for._ )

 

6.

 

The sixth time Camila tries to kiss someone, she makes a plan first. The plan doesn't even really focus on a  _kiss_ , per se. It's mostly just Lauren.

 

She's going to talk to her. About feelings. So. Yeah. Just the thought of it makes Camila want to run away for dear life, but she knows she needs to do this. 

 

And she does. Camila wakes up early in the morning on a day they're on break (she figured Lauren would like to have privacy to deal with this tender information) and spends four hours bracing her heart for the words, _"I don't feel the same way."_  


 

Finally, at 11:11, (because she is still such a child and wishes for things to go smoothly as the phone rings) Camila picks up her phone and calls Lauren.

 

"Hello?" Lauren answers, voice raspy and warm from sleep, and Camila takes a deep breath. 

 

"Hi." She says, soft and quiet. She feels Lauren sit up through the phone, run her hand through her hair, become more alert.

 

It's strange, how connected they still are, after all of this. "Camz," Lauren says, "are you okay?"

 

"No." Camila says, as honest as she's ever been. "Can I see you? Can I--like--" her words falter, nerves constricting her throat. God, this is so hard.

 

"Come over." Lauren says.

 

"Okay." And in less than fifteen minutes, she's knocking on Lauren's door, staring at the green numbers on her door and telling herself that this green means go.

 

Then Lauren opens the door and she's looking at a whole new shade of green that she can never tell the meaning of. Camila's confidence dissolves. "Hi," she says.

 

Lauren pulls her inside by her hand. Her hair is mused, lips glued together from sleep, pillow creases on her cheeks. Camila's heart stutters a little in her chest. 

 

"What's wrong?" Lauren asks, pulling Camila down onto the foot of her bed, holding her hand still. It makes her think of their friendship before the kiss, before her own stupid desire got in the way of everything. She's missed it.

 

"I think I need to tell you something," Camila says. "I think I've needed to tell you this for a long time."

 

Lauren narrows her eyes. "Is everything alright?" She asks. 

 

"I don't know," Camila says, rubbing her knuckles until they turn red. She stops. "Just--" a deep, shaky breath, "bear with me, okay?"

 

Lauren turns more into her, nods her head diligently. 

 

"Okay." Camila says. She doesn't need to see Lauren's eyes to know she needs to do this. "I love you."

 

And. Silence.

 

Lauren stares at her. Really stares at her. Like she's trying to see her. Like she can't see her.

 

Camila is still holding her hand. "I really love you, Lauren." She says, and squeezes. For a second she moves to lean in to kiss her and then she snaps back to her senses and just sits and waits. Lauren is still looking at her, silent.

 

"Camz." She says, so quiet, like she didn't really mean to. "God, I can't believe you."

 

Tears are already burning thick and hot down Camila's cheeks before Lauren can continue. "No, Camz, stop crying, okay, it's okay," she tries, but Camila throws herself against Lauren's soft body full force and cries.

 

"You are so brave." Lauren whispers in her ear. "You are so brave for letting yourself feel."

 

Camila peels her wet cheek off of Lauren's shoulder and cups her cheeks in her hands. Lauren must think Camila is going to kiss her, Camila can feel it in the way her jaw tenses, but she doesn't. She just looks at her. 

 

Lauren clears her throat and takes a deep breath. "I don't know--" she says, "I don't know, how to, like, respond. Because I do love you, Camz, so much more than you know. But you feel it differently. You let yourself feel it differently. I haven't. I'm not saying I can't, I just--"

 

"Haven't." Camila says. "Okay."

 

Lauren shakes her head. "No, not okay. You can't live like this," she begins.

 

"I don't need pity," Camila snaps, cheeks burning. "It's fine that you don't feel the same way."

 

"Camz,  _listen_  to me," Lauren says, removing her hands from her face and tangling their fingers together. "I'm not pitying you. I'm trying to tell you that when--when you kissed me--the first time, and the second time--I  _felt_  something. I felt it, not like you did, but it was there."

 

Camila blinks.

 

"It's still there, Camz."

 

Lauren squeezes her hand. "And if you're on board, I want to try to feel it the same way you do." She says, barely even there.

 

"Okay," Camila says, feeling almost fifteen again, but then not at all. "Okay."

 

(Camila stays for coffee and sees that Lauren actually does still drunk from her old favorite mug. When Lauren catches her staring guiltily at it, she says, "I know. I feel the same way when I see you with your cereal bowl. I'll buy you a new one and put whole pieces of paper in it with quotes from tumblr." Camila likes that. The promise of a future, any kind of future, with Lauren. "Can it be green?" Camila asks, and Lauren says immediately, without missing a beat, "Of course.")

 

(At nearly eleven o'clock at night after spending the whole day in Lauren's apartment, Lauren walks her home. They talk the whole time, hands brushing against each other's every so often. Something inside Camila's chest wakes up, a beast, flailing between her lungs and yawning into her heart. Lauren kisses her cheek at the door, lips burning into her skin. Camila thinks:  _Love always wakes the dragon and suddenly--flames everywhere._ )

 

 

7. 

 

The seventh time Camila tries kiss someone, she is determined to get it right. 

 

She and Lauren have been trying. She eats from a green cereal bowl every morning for breakfast, and steals sips from Lauren's new green coffee mug. (Lauren tickles her as punishment whenever she catches her, so Camila tries extra hard to get caught.) It's like the first few months of their friendship, but something's shifted: the lingering glances, the tentative touches,  _is this right, is this okay?_  


The first time Lauren holds Camila's hand, she asks permission first. Which, totally,  _completely_  does not make Camila's heart melt. (Okay, so only a little.)

 

They only kiss each other on the cheek. Sometimes when Lauren is sleepy, she kisses Camila on the forehead, or temple, or on the tips of her fingers. When Lauren falls asleep on the couch Camila kisses her eyelids and gives butterfly kisses to wake her up. Sometimes Lauren pretends to be asleep just to make Camila do it. (Camila tickled this information out of her.)

 

So, yeah, things are pretty fucking good. Like, so good Camila cannot stop smiling. Ever. And from what the girls have told her, Lauren seems to be having the same problem.

 

And, with all this information in mind, Camila decides, for the last time, to try to kiss someone. The only someone she's ever  _really_  wanted to kiss.

 

It happens after a long night out with the girls, clubbing-but-not-quite-clubbing, mostly-just-listening-to-music and both Camila and Lauren making a point of not drinking while Dinah, Normani  _and_  Ally all got wasted. Camila and Lauren drop their girls off at Ally's apartment (the least intoxicated of the three) and drive back to Lauren's.

 

They're walking up the stairs when Camila takes Lauren's hand, gently. Lauren turns to smile at her and rubs her thumb over Camila's, over and over. Camila thinks she spells out their names.

 

By the time they get through the door, Camila's knees are weak, and she has so much fire inside her that as soon as the door clicks shut she grabs Lauren by the face and kisses her. 

 

A strangled sound comes out of Lauren's mouth, muffled by Camila's own, and for a second she doesn't kiss back. The familiar fear settles into Camila's bones and she's about to pull back and leave when Lauren pulls at the hairs at the nape of Camila's neck and opens her mouth for more.

 

Which, holy fuck. Holy fucking shit. Fucking shit. Shit.  _Shit_.

 

Camila obliges happily, gripping Lauren's hips, sighing into her mouth in ecstasy. "Thank you," she says, "oh my God, thank you."

 

Lauren kisses a trail from her mouth to her cheek to her jaw, mumbling. "Don't thank me," she says. "Jesus. Thank  _you_ , Camz, for holding out for me."

 

(Lauren presses her lips back against Camila's, softer, saying more than before, and Camila thinks it's perfect. She doesn't say the  _love_  word right now because then it would be more of an obligation than a promise, so she just keeps kissing Lauren and hopes that it will mean enough, that all the trying finally paid off.)

 

(After a long, long time, Lauren pulls back and looks Camila in the eyes with the most adoring look Camila's ever seen. She thinks:  _It spins like a wheel inside you: green yellow, green blue, green beautiful green. It's simple: it isn't over, it's just begun. It's green. It's still green._ )

 

**Author's Note:**

> all quotes are from Richard Siken's masterpiece "Crush"  
> thanks for reading!! xo


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